Eleven Inch Holly Phoenix Feather
by McJunker
Summary: The wand chooses the wizard. And some wands fancy themselves insult comics.


"Whoa, look at this douchebag," said Ten Inch Willow Unicorn Hair.

"Look at that hair!" said Eight and a Half Inch Willow Dragon Tendon.

"Look at those teeth!" said Eleven Inch Holly Phoenix Feather.

"Way to perpetuate stereotypes about British oral hygiene, _douchebag_," said Unicorn Hair.

"Yeah, what a freakshow!" said Dragon Tendon.

"What an absolute tosser," said Phoenix Feather.

Ollivander invited the child over to to start experimenting. The wands in their boxes shuddered with distaste. They hate dthe thought of some snot nosed little child rubbing his oils and sweat into their wood, sloshing his magic through their cores. The closest equivalent for humans would be to crawl through sewage pipes every day in the hopes of finding true love at the end of the tunnel.

"Ooh, let's see if Little Lord Fauntleroy here is compatible," said Unicorn Hair, being taken out of his box. "What a shock. No connection, no Disgusting little imp."

"My turn? Ah, thank you, sir, thank you," said Dragon Tendon. Ollivander hadnt picked him off the shelf even though he was close to Ten Inch Willow Unicorn Hair. "A true gentleman, that man."

"Ah, hell," said Phoenix Feather. "I'm up." To demonstrate its displeasure, Phoenix Feather gave the child a surgically applied shock to the forefinger.

"Nice shooting," said Dragon Tendon.

"Thank you," said Phoenix Feather. "I try."

"Who picked the douchbag?" asked Unicorn Hair. "Just curious."

Dragon Tendon poked his tip out of the box just a half inch, then quickly withdrew. "Six and a Half Inch Oak Threstral Tail Hair," it announced.

"Figures," said Unicorn Hair and Phoenix Feather at the same moment.

"Never liked that one anyway," added Phoenix Feather.

The other two agreed. Standards had been slipping for generations now. Some wands were desperate enough to take anyone.

* * *

"Oh, man. Look at this douchebag," said Unicorn Hair.

"Unacquainted with shampoo and combs, _apparently_," said Dragon Tendon.

"Looks scared too. Probably a Muggleborn. You know how well _those_ dopes take care of their wands," added Unicorn Hair darkly.

"Not scared. Probably just has low self-esteem. His self-image is probably too accurate," said Dragon Tendon.

"I don't know," said Phoenix Feather. "That's a pretty cool looking scar on his forehead."

Unicorn Hair and Dragon Tendon were shocked into silence for a second.

"Are you serious?" asked Unicorn Hair.

"Are you insane?" asked Dragon Tendon.

"Do you have a hairline crack or something?"

"Are you blind or what?"

"No, seriously," said Phoenix Feather. "Check that thing out. It's almost the exact shape as a lightning bolt. How sweet is that?"

Unicorn hair was the first to recover. "You aren't thinking about bonding with that douchebag, are you?"

"Hell. Maybe."

"But look at that hair!" sputtered Dragon Tendon. "Glam rock won't be coming back, you know."

"Oh man, he's coming this way," said Phoenix Feather. "Wish me luck."

Ollivander handed Eleven Inch Holly Phoenix Feather to the small child. Magic sparked and rushed on planes known only to wands.

"Holy crap," said Unicorn Hair, drawing the two words out into at least five syllables.

"I know," said Dragon Tendon. "Old Phoenix Feather's been on this shelf for near to seventy years waiting for the right wizard to come around. And then he goes and bonds with this little... little..."

"Douchebag," finished Unicorn Hair, with feeling.

"It's sad."

"Depressing."

"Pathetic."

"Contemptible."

"You and me, Unicorn Feather, we're the smart ones. We're waiting for Mr. or Ms. Right."

"Exactly," said Unicorn Feather. "No point in leaving the shelf just to end up with the wrong wizard."

Phoenix Feather, clutched firmly in the child's fist as they went out the door, pulsed a friendly amount of energy towards his two former companions by way of saying goodbye. They resolutely ignored it.

"The cheek," said Unicorn Feather.

"The gall."

"The brass!"

"Never liked that one anyway," added Dragon Tendon.


End file.
